Before September of 2019, suicide was nothing but a distant tragedy that I thought myself and those around me would never be affected by. Before I go any further I want to say I’m writing purely from my experience as someone who has lost a best friend. I understand that those who have lost family members, colleagues or partners will inevitably have had different experiences, but I hope to give some insight which I hope is useful.
Of course, the frequently heard statements following a suicide are often ‘I never saw the signs’ and ‘I never thought they were suffering that bad’. I think it is the shock factor that is often apparent after a loved one’s suicide that makes beginning the grieving process one of the most challenging parts of the ordeal.
Since that day in September, I have been considering how to answer when people ask, “is there anything I can do to help?”. Four months on, I’ve concluded that the only way to allow those who may never have been affected by suicide to help you through your grief is by giving them the opportunity to see what emotions follow such horrific news.
One effect of suicide that is often disregarded is the subsequent mental health problems that can affect the victim’s loved ones. The guilt, loneliness and shame that encompass those who knew the victim can be crippling, and often result in mental health issues emerging or worsening.
The importance of understanding how to support someone through grief is critical.
So, what happens when someone you love dies by suicide? And how can you support someone who’s grieving?
1. GUILT
The consistent thoughts of ‘I could have done more’. ‘If I hadn’t said that, they may not have done it’. ‘I should have seen the signs’.
How to help:
There is nothing more you can do than repeatedly encourage that this is a natural reaction, and that it is of no fault of theirs. I’ve grown to realise that suicide is the result of a long-term struggle with one’s own emotions and self-deprecating thoughts. It is no one’s fault, no matter how much they want to believe it is. In blaming oneself, an explanation is offered for why they decided to take their own life. The question of why they came to their decision is ever-present for anyone who knew them, and so, although heart wrenching, blaming oneself becomes the only way to find an answer to this question. The feelings of guilt may never go away, but it is completely in your power to never stop reminding those who are grieving that it was not their fault.
2. LONELINESS.
The generic quote of feeling lonely in a room full of people is the most sufficient way to describe the loneliness that follows a suicide. No one understands the grief that each individual is feeling, and so it feels like they’re going through it alone, when really, they aren’t.
How to help:
I think the loneliness that prevails is because, when someone you love dies, you feel that the memories and experiences you shared are lost forever. You feel that someone who cared for you is no longer there to help you through one of the most challenging times in your life. Although there is no way to stop this feeling, it helps to be spoken to about memories that just the two of them shared. In talking about this, the memories they have convinced themselves are lost forever, are kept alive by sharing them.
3. FEELING EXTERNAL… ALL THE TIME.
Especially for the first few months post-death, it overwhelmingly feels like you are watching yourself from outside of your own consciousness. Time felt obsolete, as did things like sleep, money and human interaction. I was lucky enough to spend the following month living, at times, with up to twelve of my closest friends in the same house where we were able to keep each other grounded and secure. However, I understand that those who have to function in work, university or other commitments do not have this option. I think that, partially, this feeling is one that has to simply be played out and cannot be forced. Although this is not to say there is nothing you can do to help.
How to help:
Do not comment on feeling as if you have been ‘pushed out’ or disregarded in someone’s grieving process. I found that after the death of a best friend, it was only the support of my closest friends that benefitted me. You must also recognise that if they are acting distant towards you, and overwhelmingly attached to someone else, this is perfectly normal. It is so vital not to take offence or feel you have done something wrong if you are ignored during the initial period of grief. The best thing to do is continuously remind the person/s that you are there when they are ready to speak, whenever that may be. Patience is key.
4. THINKING THAT EVERYONE IS GOING TO DIE… ALL THE TIME.
Suicide often comes as such a shock that you become hyper-aware of the constant threat of your loved ones dying. You become panicked and frantic when someone stops answering their phone or cancels plans without explanation. You are always thinking that if it’s happened once, it will happen again, and you won’t be prepared.
How to help:
If the grieving person becomes over-protective and continuously asking how you are, what your whereabouts are and who you are with, let them. This is not a permanent solution, but allowing them to have peace of mind at the expense of some annoyance on your behalf is a small price to pay. Myself and my friends have had multiple moments of panic and fear when one of us cannot be contacted. The fear that what has happened may happen again is always at the forefront of your mind. Staying in contact whenever you can and being willing to discuss your wellbeing causes such a relief from the relentless worrying.
5. WHEN LIFE IS SPLIT BETWEEN ‘BEFORE’ AND ‘AFTER’ THE EVENT
The trauma caused by a suicide is so substantial that life literally feels like it has been separated into two parts; before and after. The ‘before’ is associated with when times were happy, when they were unbeknownst and ignorant to what was to come. Every story is predicated with ‘before everything happened’. Anything positive that may have occurred in life after the event is still weighed down by the fact that the person they have lost was not here to see or experience it with them.
How to help:
I think this is the most difficult thing to offer support through. This internal perceived ‘split’ is something that can only be adapted over time. Although this is a mindset which may never go away, the language you use to speak to the person about it can have a huge impact. One particular struggle I experienced is managing how to deal with plans that I had with the person I lost that were never fulfilled. The best thing you can do is encourage them to do these things alone. It may sound like a far too simple solution, but I found that following through on plans we had made prior to their death made me feel far more accomplished, and less like I was waiting for something to happen. Doing things alone that I previously enjoyed doing together allowed me to reflect on emotions I felt before the loss. Most importantly, it means that the association with things we did ‘before’ and things we did ‘after’ do not necessarily have to hold such a differentiation in my mind anymore.
6. SOCIAL MEDIA AND THE PANDEMIC OF ‘IT’S OK TO NOT BE OK’.
The response on social media that follows a suicide is overwhelming. People appreciate being able to use this time to encourage people to speak about depression and other mental health issues through Instagram, Twitter and Facebook. It’s a natural response to want to bring comfort to those suffering, but it doesn’t always help.
To begin with, I am not going to write here about how to help, because it is first vital to understand what may not help. One thing I will say that, personally, did nothing to alleviate my grief was the countless ‘It’s ok to not be ok’ posts. I can’t accurately explain why it was this quote in particular that would infuriate me, but I will try. I don’t want to convey that these kinds of posts are unnecessary or selfish, I wish only to say that seeing them felt like a big blow to my emotions. I had a completely irrational response to such a harmless effort to bring comfort, and I think this is because of the flippancy of many of the people posting. To many who weren’t affected by the death, a simple google search and a screenshot was their contribution to raising awareness of suicide. It is then frustrating to realise that so many were able to watch the ordeal as an outsider, unaffected by the events. I’m finding it hard to put these thoughts into words without trying to place all of those suffering under one umbrella. However, I struggle to imagine how short quotes retrieved from google have any real impact on a person’s decision to seek help.
What IS better than ‘it’s ok to not be ok’
Using social media to message your friends. Not just those you know are struggling, but ANYONE you love and care for.
Posting contact numbers for suicide hotlines and places nearby where anyone suffering can seek help
Posting your own experiences with mental health issues or times of significant hardship. In doing so, your openness is a step towards eliminating the stigma and could make even one person feel more comfortable sharing their own experiences.
Who to contact if you need support:
Contact numbers in Guernsey for those seeking any type of support. There are numbers to call if you wish to talk anonymously about mental health issues, sexual health concerns, addiction, disability support. There are also people to speak to about domestic violence, sexual violence and familial issues.
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